Thinking

My Year of Two Thousand Twenty-Four Wrapped

Cheers to the New Year. Cheers to the Old Year. Cheers to the Year Year. Here's to Years. I lived in three years through Twenty Twenty-Four.

I died a couple times. You were there, but you weren't there. You were there, you didn't know you were there. You were here, there was no one there. Thanks for being there.

I don't know where to start with this really. But there are a couple things I'm proud of. A couple things I'm proud of. A couple things I'm really proud of.

I wanna tell you about death. I meant to tell you about Death. I wanted to tell you of Death and I stopped telling of death. I stopped myself telling of Death. I wanna tell of Death.

There were deaths. There was Death. There were Deaths. I like death. Death?

I don't know where to start with this really, but I really want to tell you about Death. I wanted Death in October. Wanted to tell you of Death. I wanted Death in November. Wanted to tell you of death. And there was death. A loved one died as did I. I died the 16th as did I. I died the 17th and on the 18th became I. I told you of Death on the 18th. The 17th? The 17th. I told you of Death. And I stopped myself from telling Death because of this. Because of this: because I am I.

I didn't know where it was going so I held death. I said don't tell of death, just settle in. Your death is for I. You have died. Death is for I. Let I have died. Just let I die. You do not share the death of I. So I let I be I.

I was not human then. I was not anything and yet I was the most human I perhaps have ever been. It's been a being. It's been a thing. A strange thing. No, that's a lie. It's not a lie. It's an extension of a non-lie. It's a drawing out of truth. I'll tell you the truth. I was no longer an I for quite a while I did not know how to be I. I was having flashbacks. The being that died, the loved one that died, represented a presence that has been in my life a long time. Past a decade long time. I was having flashbacks. I didn't realise who or what they were in my life. I needed an anchor. I didn't think I needed an anchor. I didn't know I had an anchor because I haven't been on Earth in a long time. I spend a lot of time "up in the clouds" so what anchor has I? I had an anchor. And when they died, I died. I didn't know I would die. I should have expected it. Their death, not mine. But I didn't know I would die. There was a lot that happened that day the 16th. The 15th. There's a lot to how they died. There's a lot that happened the 17th. The 18th. I didn't know I would die. I laughed and cried. I laughed and I cried.

Will I tell you of Death?

Death has been following me, I said. Death follows me and I follow death. But you should know of me and death. This is not a bad thing. Have I worried you? I hope not. I have a mighty fine relationship with death. With Death. We like Death. We're like Death. We're fine with death. Death is neutral. There's just death. It's only death. This is not a haunting but I think it's funny because I may've said I had been haunted by death. But I said it in jest. We like death. We live and we dine and we like Death.

That's not why I came here. This is not why I came here and now I'm just talking. I told you I was proud of things. There were things I was proud of. I'm proud of things. I wanted to collect. But briefly on Death.

I should tell you I've just stopped briefly to read Death, to read what I told you of Death, the 17th, and it brought tears to my eyes. I have not cried. There was barely a tear to my eye. A little blurry. A little wet. Maybe I'll tell you of Death.

Not today.

Just know There is death. There is Death. On Friday the 15th, I would've told you I love Death like I love toothpaste. Today I tell you I love death like I love Love. I love Death like I love you. Circa the 18th. November. Two Thousand Twenty-Four.

I said I haven't been on Earth in a long time. That's not true. I hadn't been on Earth a long time. Prior to October. Prior to November. Prior to the Spring. Prior to January. Prior to past Fall. Twenty twenty-three fall. Prior to the summer before I really began. I told you in October. I travel in the world and I travel out of it, and I did much of the travelling out, but I travel in now and I live and it is easy. Something about trust and safety.

Anyway.

We're done with death. Things I'm proud of.

The year 2024. The happenings of 2024, beginning December 18th.
Death in January.
Travel in January and February.
The reconfiguring of life and mind following January.
The selection of a name. The beginning of this site. A being has no name.
I'm proud of them all, but I have several favourite titles and collections of words.

There was no one there. That death in November. I told no one. When it happened. I told no one. I needed to be with it on my own. I needed to be through it on my own. What was happening to me. I needed it to happen on my own. I told no one. And somehow, you were still there, thank you for being there. I was at a bar a few days later. These were some of my first interactions after being born into the world. It settled me in the world. I tell you again, you were here but you weren't here. You didn't know what was here. There was someone who spoke at the bar at the top of the reading. He spoke of death. Death, death, death, death, death, death, and more death. There had been a death the 17th. There had been death the 16th. I learned of two more deaths occurring in the teens. There was death, death, and death the 15th. I'd been been circling on death the 11th. And it was funny because I'd almost read on Death the 20th. At the bar. I was thinking of reading on Death. I told you I've been wanting to tell you Death since before the 20th. I wanted to introduce myself and Death. And there was death, and then I had death, and then I saw death, and then I felt Death, and then he spoke of death, while I was post-death, post-dead, but I did not end up reading on Death. It's in drafts as you've seen. I don't know what I read. I don't recall.

I said we were done with Death.

I can't tell you what I'm proud of without Death. One of the things I'm proud of is death. Many things I'm proud of are Death. Some collections I'm proud of symbolise Death, they precede or follow death. I can't tell you Proud without Death.

I'm really happy this year.

I've been really happy this year. It's been an amazing year. Incredible. I think happy is because there's been death. Happy is proud. Proud is happy. I'm proud to be happy. I'm proud to have been happy. I'm proud to have untrained unhappy, to have learned to be happy. About 20 years. Took 20 years, but we're here. I've always been happy. In Death, I told you the training of sadness. So in some sense, in a large sense, I've always been happy and I'm proud to be happy. What did I tell you. I learned to be myself. Be yourself. I told a lot of how I began being myself [it remains unpublished, but I told]. Accent. I learned to be happy. I am happy. And I learned to be myself. I've been happy for almost 2 years. What a funny word. Happy.

Two decades. And now there's happy. I told you in Death I celebrated my quartercentennial this year. The month of October. Quartercentennial, two and a half decades. Happy. What a brilliant year.

I don't know what to tell you, but perhaps I'll leave you up on Death. I'll share parts of Death and I'll leave you up, not down, on Death. In case you are not friendly with Death. I don't want to leave you down on Death.

When did I start telling you things? Why? Who am I talking to?

Anyway...

Excerpts from Death.

Early morning, the 17th of November, 2024.

...

Anyhow, about a week ago I thought of telling you of death. Of telling you of my own.

I've been talking on logical reasoning. I've been writing the importance of reasoning. I've been saying there is no logical reason to require the suffering of others, emotional or otherwise. This may not have been clear but what I was saying to you is there is no logical reason to demand or expect a particular performance or expression in response to arguably upsetting events. Of the many things I was saying, I was telling you a lack of tears does not mean someone is not sad. A smile does not mean they are not processing. Joy does not mean they do not understand. Observance of expressions not conventionally coded 'sad' do not mean much of anything at all. Facts of internal processes and judgements of character cannot reasonably be made. It is not sensible. I was telling you I couldn't understand why it was demanded I performed 'sad'. I was telling you I couldn't understand why I was trained to perform 'sad'. I was telling you it did not make sense anyone had ever demanded I performed 'sad'.

I've been training myself out of 'sad'.

29 July 2024

Sadness is a habit

...I've never required someone else's suffering. It's not an innate desire and it's not something I can convince myself of. I see no use. It's not the objective and it produces [21:46:20] imprecise or completely fruitless results.

This note was made in response to reflecting on how frequently 'sad' is demanded. 'Sad' or sad. Neither really has greater purpose as a demand so it doesn't matter which. This was in response to realising how deeply my sadness had been trained. How guilt in response to joy was trained. I've happily trained myself out of 'sad'. I've trained myself into life and being alive.

I've been indirectly telling you there is no logical reason to demand someone be sad.

[Not initially a part of Death, but another statement I'd written years prior in reflecting on love, from 2021:

I was thinking on how relationships change, how they 'end’. I’ve been thinking on how sadness is oft-expected when relationships change shape or ‘end’. Is it not okay for that person to feel whole? For them to love themselves so passionately and be "so rooted in themselves that no one's absence or presence disturbs their inner peace"?

I had someone I love express to me uneasily, somewhat sorrowfully, that while they suffered they felt as though I would be okay. That our changing relationship would not bring me misery and I would still be alive in happiness.

I suppose sadness is the ideal outcome for many — an achievement, an aspiration. It’s a way of confirming their significance to another— their importance. Surely if they are not sad, then I never mattered.

Do you want me to not have a sense of self? To give myself so wholly to you that without you there is nothing left? I am not sorry, but that I cannot offer you.

I seem to have moved in and out of rejecting and receiving the training of 'sad'. The following resumes the excerpts from the 17th, November, 2024.]

Around Wednesday evening, I thought of introducing you to me. Not really, but vaguely. As I fell asleep, I gave toast. I fell asleep in great joy. As I laid my head to rest, with a hand in the air, I gave a cheer. Really, mid-motion, I gave this cheer:

Shout out to the I wasn't supposed to make it this far babes, Shout out to the I wasn't supposed to be here babes, Shout out to the resurrected pre-dead post-dead babes, Shout out to the maybe dead still dead always dead babes, Shout out to the dead because you're all alive babes, Shout out to the we're alive we're still here babes. We're alive! I love it here. God, I love Earth. I love it here. I can't wait.

I made this cheer on Wednesday, perhaps Tuesday night, and I've been saying shout out to the pre-dead post-dead ever since then. Shout out to the pre-dead post-dead resurrected babes. Shout out to the pre-dead post-dead we're still here. It could've begun on Monday, I'm not sure. It was in response to encountering someone new who had expected to die as a teen after diagnosis. She described the sense of ghostliness that follows when you live beyond the age by which you should have died. "Should have". She described living in nonexistence. It's a living with which I am familiar. I have described it before. It was in this moment I stopped out of joy for her and her living and said You know what, Shout out to the pre-dead post-dead should've been dead resurrected alive but still living alive and undead ghostliving babes. I love us. [...] I attached to her, I suppose, in this little way. The energy carried until that night I fell asleep and made a cheer. I've been feeling it all week.

On Wednesday I had a birth. You may not have realised what you were present for. I enjoy sharing with you anyhow. On Wednesday, I started anew. I caught myself on a path and on Wednesday I started anew. I caught myself on Tuesday, truly, but on Wednesday I started anew. I had a conversation that locked in my revelations, and by afternoon, I started anew.

Friday evening I saw a movie. I went to the theatre and I sat amongst others and I watched a film. Shall we call it a film? I watched a film.

That experience was significant for a slew of reasons. The whole day carried a series of transformations, revelations, recallings, and growth. It started with shame but by evening I was happy and I went and I watched a film.

I did not expect what was to come I'll be honest with you. The trailer caught me, obviously, or I wouldn't've bought a ticket, but I did not expect what was to come. I did not hear the trailer when I watched it and it kept much of what sees me out.

From first moments, I knew it was him. I knew it was him in this film, I knew he would hold me. Hold my attention. I knew precisely who they each would be and I settled in, but I still did not expect what was coming.

At one point he demands pain. He is frustrated by the lack of performed discomfort or pain of those around him. He cannot understand how they could be in spaces of past pain and experience any comfort in joy. In laughter. In casual conversation. And I smiled because I understand him. I smiled because he needs to be held. I smiled because he needs help.

As I've told you before this [demand] does not logically or reasonably hold.

From the 30th of June to the 1st of July, 2024.

It's a projection of a lack of self-confidence, in some sense, as many things are. The idea that all must suffer beyond reason, with "beyond reason" referring to events such as heartbreak and grief. Mandating unnecessary difficulty and struggle, even creating it when it doesn't exist, suggests an inability to fully envision a world where people are okay and they're happy. Happiness is almost threatening, I guess. It suggests a personal experience with suffering, in fact, it suggests more than one, and it suggests an inability or refusal to see other options. It suggests an inability to see a way forward without the suffering of others or even oneself. It suggests a lack of imagination. A lack of creativity.

I smiled because of the recall to everything I've been describing. I was not expecting it, but he sat in this film and told you exactly what I've been telling you of for some time. He demonstrated exactly what I've been speaking of for some time. I smiled out of love. I smiled because he is alone and he needs to be held.

This sort of conversation around mandated suffering, mandated pain, predetermined sadness, thresholds for sadness, thresholds for emotional pain, expectations of pain continues on later. It made me want to speak. It made me want to write.

Shout out to the pre-dead post-dead babes.

We later found out he is in fact a pre-dead post-dead babe. He is resurrected. He is ghostliving. He is of his own kind. He is nonexistent. He is perennial undying post-living, babes. I thought, I knew it was him. I didn't know, but I knew.

I smiled because I had been thinking of introducing you to me. I tell you a lot of my mind, at least of my analytical mind, and it occurred to me to introduce you to me. And then I found him. I did not expect everything that came of this film.

This film stayed with me for a number of reasons and I feel immediately I need to rewatch it. I may. Death. death. death. death. death.

I somehow knew even when it's not true I knew. I have a sense for life in this world. How it moves and what's happened in one. I couldn't know but I knew. As soon as he appeared, I knew. Him.

Anyway there were more thoughts of death on Friday. Shout out to the post-dead resurrected babes. I'm so happy to be here.

I had my quartercentennial just this October. A Google search tells me this is not a word, but I use it anyhow. I had my quartercentennial this October. I'll tell you again, I'm not sure you realise what you were present for. Thank you for being with me anyhow. This October of Two Thousand Twenty Four is a contender for the grandest moment of my life across two decades. It is not just the death of early October, it is everything that followed. It is the mind that unlocked on the second of October and everything that followed.

I had my quartercentennial just this October and I'll never stop celebrating. Shout out to the post-dead resurrected babes. Shout out to the couldn't see the future living babes. Shout out to the now my visions make the future babes. Shout out to the clear sight see it all babes.

Can you imagine the bicentennial? Living five decades still living babes? Oh my god, I can't wait. Life is so good. God, I love it here.

...

Hm.

I don't know anything. But I'll tell you one thing. I live.

[07:09:34 30 Dic 2024 — 09:01:14 30 Dic 2024.]