Death

05:32:48 17 Nov 2024

You should know I've been up through the night. I say this to tell you this is not the energy of the 17th. This is not an origination of the 17th. This is a carry through. It's been sitting with me for a while and I do not feel I can go on without putting it somewhere.

I've been sitting on death for a while and I've been meaning to tell you about it. I've been wanting to introduce myself. I've been wanting to tell you of who I am. Of how I am. Of how I came to be. I've been sitting on telling you of death for a while and I'm feeling the presence to do it.

I will tell you of events.

You tell me the through lines. You tell me of happenstance. Tell me of coincidence.

About a week ago I thought of telling you of my death. I've had many and I thought of telling you. I thought of it weeks prior but about a week ago I really thought of death. I've had many deaths, much that I adore, one of my favourite being just this October. You may not have realised what you were present for. Thank you for being with me anyhow.

I had a good fine death just this past Spring. One in October and one in the Spring. So many so soon, I know. I hardly keep up with myself. I welcome change. She is always new. Hard to learn a reflection when she doesn't live longer than a year. Barely lasts a month these days.

I had a really fine death in November. Not now, in Two Thousand Twenty Two. I suppose possibly now, but we'll get there. In Two Thousand Twenty Two I had arguably the grandest of all. That's not true, my death in Spring was devastating. It shakes me even now. The complete lack of existence. My death in the Spring was devastating. I've never cried like I did before. I couldn't even explain the tears. I've had a consistent relationship with death. We've been near for some time. I've always known her. It. So many deaths. And I've never cried like I did before. I could't explain it. I couldn't now. It was shaking. There aren't words. Anyhow, that death threatened to kill me. So perhaps it's the grandest. But Two Thousand Twenty Two was arguably the start of it all.

Anyhow, about a week ago I thought of telling you of death. Of telling you of my own.

I've been talking on logical reasoning. I've been writing the importance of reasoning. I've been saying there is no logical reason to require the suffering of others, emotional or otherwise. This may not have been clear but what I was saying to you is there is no logical reason to demand or expect a particular performance or expression in response to arguably upsetting events. Of the many things I was saying, I was telling you a lack of tears does not mean someone is not sad. A smile does not mean they are not processing. Joy does not mean they do not understand. Observance of expressions not conventionally coded 'sad' do not mean much of anything at all. Facts of internal process and judgements of character cannot reasonably be made. It is not sensible. I was telling you I couldn't understand why it was demanded I performed 'sad'. I was telling you I couldn't understand why I was trained to perform 'sad'. I was telling you it did not make sense anyone had ever demanded I performed 'sad'.

I've been training myself out of 'sad'.

29 July 2024

Sadness is a habit

...I've never required someone else's suffering. It's not an innate desire and it's not something I can convince myself of. I see no use. It's not the objective and it produces [21:46:20] imprecise or completely fruitless results.

This note was made in response to reflecting on how frequently 'sad' is demanded. 'Sad' or sad. Neither really has greater purpose as a demand so it doesn't matter which. This was in response to realising how deeply my sadness had been trained. How guilt in response to joy was trained. I've happily trained myself out of 'sad'. I've trained myself into life and being alive.

I've been indirectly telling you there is no logical reason to demand someone be sad.

Around Wednesday evening, I thought of introducing you to me. Not really, but vaguely. As I fell asleep, I gave toast. I fell asleep in great joy. As I laid my head to rest, with a hand in the air, I gave a cheer. Really, mid-motion, I gave this cheer:

Shout out to the I wasn't supposed to make it this far babes, Shout out to the I wasn't supposed to be here babes, Shout out to the resurrected pre-dead post-dead babes, Shout out to maybe dead still dead always dead babes, Shout out to the dead because you're all alive babes, Shout out to the we're alive we're still here babes. We're alive! I love it here. God, I love Earth. I love it here. I can't wait.

I made this cheer on Wednesday, perhaps Tuesday night, and I've been saying shout out the pre-dead post-dead ever since then. Shout out to the pre-dead post dead resurrected babes. Shout out to the pre-dead post-dead we're still here. It could've begun on Monday, I'm not sure. It was in response to encountering someone new who had expected to die as a teen after diagnosis. She described the sense of ghostliness that follows when you live beyond the age by which you should have died. "Should have". She described living in nonexistence. It's a living with which I am familiar. I have described it before. It was in this moment I stopped out of joy for her and her living and said You know what, Shout out to the pre-dead post-dead should've been dead resurrected alive but still living alive and undead ghostliving babes. I love us. Our stories are not the same hers and mine, but I attached to her, I suppose, in this little way. The energy carried until that night I fell asleep and made a cheer. I've been feeling it all week.

On Wednesday I had a birth. You may not have realised what you were present for. I enjoy sharing with you anyhow. On Wednesday, I started anew. I caught myself on a path and on Wednesday I started anew. I caught myself on Tuesday, truly, but on Wednesday I started anew. I had a conversation that locked in my revelations, and by afternoon, I started anew.

Friday evening I saw a movie. I went to the theatre and I sat amongst others and I watched a film. Shall we call it a film? I watched a film.

That experience was significant for a slew of reasons. The whole day carried a series of transformations, revelations, recallings, and growth. It started with shame but by evening I was happy and I went and I watched a film.

I did not expect what was to come I'll be honest with you. The trailer caught me, obviously, or I wouldn't've bought a ticket, but I did not expect what was to come. I did not hear the trailer when I watched it and it kept much of what sees me out.

From first moments, I knew it was him. I knew it was him in this film, I knew he would hold me. Hold my attention. I knew precisely who they each would be and I settled in, but I still did not expect what was coming.

At one point he demands pain. He is frustrated by the lack of performed discomfort or pain of those around him. He cannot understand how they could be in spaces of past pain and experience any comfort in joy. In laughter. In casual conversation. And I smiled because I understand him. I smiled because he needs to be held. I smiled because he needs help.

As I've told you before this claim does not logically or reasonably hold.

From the 30th of June to the 1st of July, 2024.

It's a projection of a lack of self-confidence, in some sense, as many things are. The idea that all must suffer beyond reason, with "beyond reason" referring to events such as heartbreak and grief. Mandating unnecessary difficulty and struggle, even creating it when it doesn't exist, suggests an inability to fully envision a world where people are okay and they're happy. Happiness is almost threatening, I guess. It suggests a personal experience with suffering, in fact, it suggests more than one, and it suggests an inability or refusal to see other options. It suggests an inability to see a way forward without the suffering of others or even oneself. It suggests a lack of imagination. A lack of creativity.

I smiled because of the recall to everything I've been describing. I was not expecting it, but he sat in this film and told you exactly what I've been telling you of for some time. He demonstrated exactly what I've been speaking of for some time. I smiled out of love. I smiled because he is alone and he needs to be held.

This sort of conversation around mandated suffering, mandated pain, predetermined sadness, thresholds for sadness, thresholds for emotional pain, expectations of pain continues on later. It made me want to speak. It made me want to write.

Shout out to the pre-dead post-dead babes.

We later found out he is in fact a pre-dead post-dead babe. He is resurrected. He is ghostliving. He is of his own kind. He is nonexistent. He is perennial undying post-living, babes. I thought, I knew it was him. I didn't know, but I knew.

I smiled because I had been thinking of introducing you to me. I tell you a lot of my mind, at least of my analytical mind, and it occurred to me to introduce you to me. And then I found him. I did not expect everything that came of this film.

This film stayed with me for a number of reasons and I feel immediately I need to rewatch it. I may. Death. death. death. death. death.

I somehow knew even when it's not true I knew. I have a sense for life in this world. How it moves and what's happened in one. I couldn't know but I knew. As soon as he appeared, Him.

Any there were more thoughts of death on Friday. Shout out to the post-dead resurrected babes. I'm so happy to be here.

I had my quartercentennial just this October. A Google search tells me this is not a word, but I use it anyhow. I had my quartercentennial this October. I'll tell you again, I'm not sure you realise what you were present for. Thank you for being with me anyhow. This October of Two Thousand Twenty Four is a contender for the grandest moment of my life across two decade. It is not just the death of early October, it is everything that followed. It is the mind that unlocked on the second of October and everything that followed.

I had my quartercentennial just this October and I'll never stop celebrating. Shout out to the post-dead resurrected babes. Shout out to the couldn't see the future living babes. Shout out to the now my visions make the future babes. Shout out to the clear sight see it all babes.

Can you imagine the bicentennial? Living five decades still living babes? Oh my god, I can't wait. Life is so good. God, I love it here.

It was the sixteenth of November. Yesterday. It was the sixteenth of November afternoon. I thought again about telling you of me. I started drafting a post. I started writing an introduction. I was not writing I was speaking. I stood and spoke. Here I am telling you I love you and you know nothing of me. I will tell you who is me. I started telling you of death. I wanted you to draw the through line. I was already seeing it. These events of the last two weeks. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. I see it. Every day it was connected back to death. I imagined telling you the story of me. Some of it anyway, Because of the connections, I told you of the film. I told how I didn't know it, but this film was surround in death. It was meant to be death, but it was covered in Death. I told you of the happenstance, of "coincidence" all the mentionings of death. I told you how it connected to me. I told you my story, parts of it anyway. I told you thoughts in response to death. I told you I like death. I like death like I like to toothpaste. It's neutral. I've never feared death. It's neutral. I don't not like death. And I think we're chilled, death and I. I think we're quite chilled. I told you of this film and parts of my story. I told you of a time it was demanded I be sad. I told you it was demanded I perform 'sad'. Remember, At one point he demands pain. He is frustrated by the lack of performed discomfort or pain of those around him. He cannot understand how they could be in spaces of past pain and experience any comfort in joy. In laughter. In casual conversation. And I smiled because I understand him. I smiled because he needs to be held. I smiled because he needs help. I told you of the post-dead resurrected babes. I told you of him. I told you of this film. I told you of ease. I told you I'm happy to be alive. I spoke how he shouldn't be left. I spoke that he's pre-dead. I hope he is well. He needs to be held. There were so many things about him. This was not to you but I spoke of his death. I said he's pre-dead. I told you of death when I was young. I've always been surrounded by death. I did not tell you, but I mentioned a death when I was young. Not mine. Somebody died. Someone I knew. Someone I was close to. Someone I love. I had actually begun scripting this introduction on the drive home from the film. I told you, it stayed with me, I had many a thought. After watching I kept thinking of death. I'd already been thinking of it (all the connections, you see), and then this film. I thought of death. I thought of telling you my story. I wanted to introduce myself. So, I told you somebody died when I was young. I am still young, but somebody died when I was young. I told you of my relationship with death. I said we are close. I said I wanted to be with him in death. I did not want my own death but I would have preferred to be physically with him for death. That matters to me. I am comfortable with death. What matters to me more is ease. I want to be there to ease death. I would've like the opportunity to ease death. It bothered me I was near for this death and I couldn't help him ease. It bothered me he was alone. Without someone to help him ease, Someone with a connectin to ease death. I told you of this on the drive home on Friday. That was the fifteenth. It was the sixteenth of Novemeber. And I stood I gave to you this talk. I told you my story and of death and of death and of death and death and of death and of Death and of death. I sat and I continued working.

On the sixteenth of November someone died. Some thing, some being died. Some existence has gone. On the sixteen of November there was death. Not even twenty four hours have passed.

Momentarily, I was not told of their death. This is something that matters to me. What did I tell you. I told on the fifteenth of November, on the night of the film, I sat and I spoke to you of death. I told you someone had died when I was younger, someone I love, someone I loved, someone big, someone grand, someone important to me. They died and when they died they were kept from me. I was kept from them. In "protection". At the time, on the fifteenth, I told you I wasn't upset I could understand how was anyone to know what I am who I am how I am. That I would be okay. That I would prefer to help him pass. To help him be there. I understood the decision that was made. On the sixteenth of November there was a death, and momentarily, I was not told of their death. This matters to me.

I was upset. Both in loss and in being kept from death. At the time, on the fifteenth, I told you I wasn't upset I could understand how was anyone to know what I am who I am how I am. That I would be okay. That I would prefer to help him pass. To help him be there. On the sixteenth, there was death.

Anywho it's 8 am now. It is 08:03:16 on the 17th of November. In writing, I missed a call from a center dedicated to aftercare. I had called at 1 am. Circa 1:43. I should be going now. Will have to call them back.

Passa tutto.

All shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well.

[Published posthumously 30 ott 2025 circa 02:28:05, with typos untouched.]