Art

17:07:12

It's all art! You're always making art! So make it art! Make it you.

I remember well when someone first told me I feel like you can learn a lot about someone from their bedroom. I was so personally offended because I knew the room they were walking into is not the room I would produce if told Create a room that is you.

I had such an aversion to being known. No, I'll tell you the truth. I had an aversion to presumption. Maybe I still do, I don't know. But it made me want to be nothing.

If you want to know me, then you will have to know me. You will have to know me first. I will not make it easy for you. There is nothing to guess. No data to gather. Speak to me.

I don't know why I was like this. Why the aversion was so strong. Why know was so bothersome. Why to be known was so bothersome. So threatening. [In this instant, I can start to theorise why, but we'll leave it alone. We'll just leave it as why.].

I think I was bothered by inaccuracy. [Severely bothered by inaccuracy, in fact.]. Even if I did agree a certain set of facts and conclusions could be drawn by simply observing someone and their space, the conclusions being drawn never overlapped with this set. They never overlapped with Truth. Conclusions can be drawn, sure, but the conclusions being drawn were never the ones that could be. The conclusions being drawn were never the ones you could actually accurately draw given the information present and, somehow, I took that as a personal affront. As a challenge. Conclusions can be drawn, but since you will consistently mis-draw them, I will erase everything. Leave nothing to be drawn or mis-drawn. I will be nothing.

Very drastic, no?

Inaccuracies are not my responsibility. I finally realised this. Not only are they not my responsibility, but I don't hate them. Not at all. In fact, I'm quite happy with that room to grow. With room to learn. I enjoy my room to learn and I quite enjoy everyone else's. There is no state without inaccuracies because it is all susceptible to change and all ever-changing and that is what I love. That is something I deeply love. Imagine if everyone knew you accurately? If there was nothing left of you? Nothing left to you? Nothing remaining? Nowhere to go? If you were sitting at your end, in Finality? That wouldn't be nice, I don't think. There should be no end to inaccuracy. Let it live as all else. I think we need a bit of inaccuracy. I think I quite like it.

New information is generated in every second. Your story doesn't end. It cannot all be known. Let them not know. Let you not know.

Anyway, I was thinking about the facets of 'life' and the different spaces we enter, the ones we think are for utility and the ones for expression and I just had to say there is no utility. Everything is expression. All of it is. There is no space in which the potential for expression ends and you're expressing yourself anyhow. When you choose to repress yourself, it is an expression. That is your art.

I was so offended by their comment, but there's nothing they said that isn't true. Not in the initial statement, anyway. You can learn a lot about someone from the space they occupy. From the space they've been given to make "their own". And you don't learn what they tell you, usually. You don't learn from the posters on the wall, or the bedsheets they chose. You learn from whether or not they did the choosing in the first place. You learn from the decisions that were made around expression and repression. You learn from how they respond to influences. You learn from how they interact with agency and if they use their own. [You are always using your agency; you learn from if they are conscious of how they use their own. 18:14:09.]. I suppose you are learning from the posters, and the bedsheets, or the flowers, and the tapestries, and the faux fur throws at the foot of the bed. But you may not be learning who they are. You're learning who they are deciding to be and they may not even realise yet that they are deciding to be. They may not realise they have muddied the waters with who they are.

You be who you decide to be. You be who you be, but that is not who you are you must be who you are.

I don't really know what's happening, I don't know what's going on, and I don't need to know, but also I do [I do know]. I'm reaching the point where I can't help but do Expression. Maybe I did the Repression thing for too long. Everything's Expression. I'm reaching the point where everything, all of it, is Expression. No thresholds. No walls.

So I was upset. Because in choosing repression, I decided to be. I thought I'd avoided the decision, but I had decided to be. I chose not to be me. Save that for later. One day, I'll find space to be me. This is not the time. For now, we will hide. When the time is right, I will only be me. I'll make the space Mine. And they could only see who I decided to be. They would never see me. I chose to permit inaccuracies, inaccuracies of my own. I chose to display inaccuracies. And then conclusions were drawn and I was upset, because they would never see me. Only who I had decided to be.

I've found when you're upset with "something else", you're often upset with yourself. There's a betrayal somewhere in there. You may not actually be upset with yourself or anyone else, but what you are upset with may be a consequence of a decision you made.

Anyway, I quite like inaccuracies because they have to exist. So long as there is growth, they have to exist, and that makes me pleased. I like growth.

And conclusions can always be drawn, but not the ones they think, the majority of conclusions will be wrong, and let them be. I'm more than okay with that. As a learner, I have a great respect for being wrong.

And you are always making decisions and that's okay. There is no single space only for utility, but if you choose not to express yourself [Express yourself 18:17:06], that's okay. That is a valid decision to be made. The choice of repression is never "wrong". It's not inherently wrong. It's a matter of are you getting what you want. If your decisions are allowing what you want, then okay. This choice of repression is an expression of your reasoning ability. You have been Expressed.

And I don't know. I think about spaces and the ones I feel safe in and the ones I express in and the ones I hide in and the ones I die in and the ones I repress in and the ones I feel scared in and the ones I go bright in, the ones I light up in, and I realise they're all the same. No thresholds. No walls. They're all the same. It's not some of me here and a little me there and a hint of me there and then quiet me here. They're all the same. They're all me as my choices, a set of decisions on how I be Me, and they're all the same space. All Earth. All life. All "vacay". All Living. All holiday. What I do on holiday. There is nothing to hide. This is not a trial run. You cannot save yourself now for later. There is only now. There is no beginning. It is only now.

Everything you touch is a portfolio. This is your work. This is your art. So, Make it art. All of it. Now.

18:09:29