Accent

There are some words in the English language I really don't like. I don't not like them, I don't like saying them. American English. It's specifically in American English.

I've thought about my accent for some time, in different ways, but something occurred to me this year. I was thinking about words like "dad", "can't", "last", etc. and why they feel so disgusting when I say them in American English. Sorry, that's kind of a strong word, but there's a face that starts to form when I say these words with an American accent, and the face that forms is one that I associate with disgust, so that's all I can think of, accurate or not. Apologies. Disgusting is a really strong word, but it's definitely unpleasant, it's... Yeah, maybe disgust, I don't know. The sound doesn't bother me, it's only when I speak, it's producing the sound that's just so... egh.

Anyway, I have different accents in my head and different accents outside my head [i.e. when I speak aloud, but in isolation]. "Can't", "last", "dad", etc. are never said with an American accent. It's often English. Because that word is in English— sorry that's English as in British English, that word is in English English— the rest of the sentence follows suit, whatever sentence. I was thinking about why I do this and it hit me a few months ago.

English spoken in a Jamaican accent does not produce the same sounds as American English. Sometimes, it does. Often, it doesn't. I am accustomed to Jamaican English and Patwa [distinct]. Combined, they formed a lot of my basis for what is "right". I of course attended American schools where "peers" would readily "correct" pronunciations, but there are a few words that just didn't take. I realised this summer when it comes to words like "can't", "dad", "last", etc., the accent I have in my mind is more akin to British English or English English than American English. My standard is often Jamaican, and that standard mirrors the British. Maybe "mirrors" isn't the best word, I don't know. Anyway, given where I live, I think I internalised some kind of superiority given to British English over Jamaican English. I also should say, I have a separate background with British English, so there's just natural comfort there.

Anyway, I've been thinking about this. If I know that when I speak, sometimes, I switch to British English because my vocal cords and my mind are yearning for Jamaican English, but British English has been coded tolerable, accepted, what does that mean?

I mean, I know what that means, but what will I do with what that means? I don't know.

I should say, I always speak in an American accent anyhow, if I'm talking to anyone else. That's not so much a command, as in I will always speak American English, but an observation, I always speak with American English. I use the accent on "can't", "last", "dad", etc. and I hate it and I do it anyway. Laughter. Hate is a strong word, I don't hate it, but I despise it. More laughter. Okay, I don't despise it, but I can't think of other words. These are just what come forward. I joke, I joke, I kid, I kid. What I mean to say is, it isn't me. I'm very much aware it isn't me and I like speaking. I like to talk. I do not like that it isn't me speaking, I want to be me that is speaking, I want it to be me that is speaking, so I reflect on these moments and I think when will I speak. When will I speak. How will I speak.

I don't know when or how. I don't know that I will. I don't know if it will continue to be something I do alone. I speak. I speak. I don't know. When will I speak? When will it be me?

There is a lot of fear involved, of course. It is only me that can make me speak. There is fear of why does she speak like that if she lives here. There is fear of why does she speak like that if she's "from" here. There is fear of why, which is senseless I know. This fear, it's senseless. I know.

I have a lot to say about how I speak, this is hardly the beginning. I don't know if much more will be said. We will see. Maybe this is the beginning of the beginning of when I speak. Maybe through this, I will learn to speak. I don't know. I told a lot of how I began being myself [it remains unpublished, but I told]. I forgot to say there's a hole, a gap, where there's a self that still waits to be, still waits to speak.

She speaks when we're alone...